It’s Really Hard To Not Hate Other Mothers With Large Families Sometimes

(This post was written in February 2021 just before I discovered I was pregnant with twins. I’m posting it now, all this time later because I think it might still resonate with others going through the same thing or something similar.)

This is one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever admitted, but sometimes I feel like I hate mothers with large families.

I know it’s not really hate. It’s jealousy, of course. But knowing that doesn’t exactly help and it doesn’t make me feel like less of a terrible person when I get annoyed by things I have no business being annoyed by.

Their family has nothing to do with mine, so why am I expending energy being offended because they have something I wanted and wasn’t able to have? Is it the other woman’s fault? Did she sabotage my chances to have another baby by expanding her family? No, of course not. So why am I so annoyed with her?

Is it simply because her family is a painful reminder of what I most long for? Is it because every time I see her pictures of her smiling kids, arms wrapped around each other and dirty faces, I hear that little voice in the back of my head saying “You’ll never have that.”?

Even if I were to magically fall pregnant now, the age difference between my children would be too much. They wouldn’t play together or have many of the typical sibling experiences.

I think that’s part of what bugs me the most: feeling like I failed to give my daughter that. I wanted so badly to give her a brother or sister and for them to grow up close and have adventures and experiences and memories together and now it’s clear that just simply won’t happen.

So I convince myself moms with lots of kids are ungrateful and undeserving of what they’ve been blessed with. Somehow that makes me feel better and worse, but I run with it anyway because I’m already having a self-pity party so why not just keep going?

The things they complain about, I’d give anything to experience. Siblings bickering? Yes, please. Schedule juggling? I’ll take it! Astronomical food bills trying to feed a large family? I’ll sell my kidney if I have to!

Ok, ok. I’m being ridiculous, I know.

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Is it so bad having just one kid?

No.

There are a lot of really incredible things about being able to focus all your energy on one child. I have a bond with my daughter that I might not have if she’d had to spend her time battling for attention with a little brother or sister. I’m thankful for that.

She certainly hasn’t been lonely growing up, which is something other people often worry about when it comes to only children, and which they should stop saying because as a parent it’s like a knife to the heart when someone implies you’re intentionally depriving your child of the companionship that siblings bring.

She’s also been able to have experiences in life that might not have been as attainable had our family been larger. We’ve been able to take trips, take up hobbies and build memories we might not have been able to afford if there’d been additional family members.

Or maybe we would have. It’s really impossible to know what could have been.

At the end of the day, this is the family that we have. It’s a family I’m eternally grateful for.

I know I’m extremely lucky.

But sometimes, when I’m being a spoiled brat, I lose sight of that. It’s embarrassing to admit. But I’m admitting it anyway.

Anxiety Makes Me Want To Home School

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

I have always had pretty bad anxiety, and it has often caused me numerous problems throughout life. But since becoming a mother my anxiety has gone through the roof.

This is not uncommon of course, and I am not unique or special in this. I know plenty of moms who experience the same thing. Even women who didn’t suffer from anxiety before having children sometimes become mothers and then suddenly the existence of this other person (or multiple other persons!) makes us aware of just How. Many. Scary. Things. are out there.

Many of us find ways to manage this, whatever that might look like. It might be medication, or various other coping mechanisms. But generally speaking, it doesn’t go away. Managed doesn’t mean Gone, and so for most of us the anxiety is something we just deal with, and which often affects many aspects of our daily lives and the choices we make.

My anxiety makes me want to home school.

To be completely clear, this is something I’ve always thought about ever since I first became a mother. Way before Covid. We’re talking before my daughter – who is now 13 – even started kindergarten, I wanted to home school.

There were so many reasons why I wanted to home school, the most obvious one of course being that the idea of sending my child off somewhere where I couldn’t be there to personally ensure her safety made me feel physically ill. Keeping her home with me? That sounded amazing. Entrusting complete strangers to protect the one thing that is most precious to me? No thank you.

But for as many reasons as I had for wanting to home school, I had just as many reasons not to. Ultimately, I did not end up home schooling, and now, even though my anxiety regarding the issue is still as bad as ever (maybe worse some days) I am thankful that I didn’t.

I know, I know, home school mamas will hate me for saying that because they will interpret this as me talking shit about something they’re passionate about. To be clear: I’m not! But people (PARENTS) tend to be sensitive when it comes to their choices so I know it will likely still offend someone. This is by no means meant to demean or insult home schooling families out there. I really believe we all just need to do our best to make the best possible choices for our kids based on all the variables in our own lives.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with home schooling. But I also don’t think it’s the right fit for every kid.

And more importantly, I think it’s essential that as a mother I go out of my way to make sure my daughter’s experiences in life aren’t limited by what is within my own comfort zone. I try so hard to not project my hang ups and issues onto her. She’ll develop her own, I’m sure. She doesn’t need to carry around mine as well.

Obviously, there are exceptions. There are still so many things I cannot bring myself to let her do because it terrifies me. But when it comes to school I try my best to just suck it up and send her on her way, then keep myself distracted enough throughout the day until she’s back home with me so I don’t absolutely lose my mind with fear.

The recent Covid-Schooling experience we all went through for most of 2020 (and which many parents are still going through if they are continuing to do school from home) really highlighted that when it comes to my kid, I made the right choice. Without the structure of traditional schooling, she was pretty lost. She was logging on to classroom Zoom calls that were optional just because she wanted to interact with her classmates and her teachers. I was getting emails from her teachers that she was behind on her school work, and motivating her to get it done was a nightmare. For a kid who hates school, she really seemed to miss being at school, despite her reluctance to go back when the new school year started.

So if you are a parent – at any stage of parenting – who struggles with the idea of sending your kids to school because of your anxiety, just know that you are not alone. I hope you are able to make the choice that feels the most right for your family, whatever that looks like.

♡

I’m Not Enough Of A Mom To Have A Mom Blog

Or at least that’s what I let myself believe for longer than I care to admit.

Ok, it’s 13 years. My daughter was born 13 years ago and way back then I wanted to start a mom blog but I kept talking myself out of it.

First she was too young, I hadn’t been a mom long enough. Then as she got older and secondary infertility stole the chance to give her a sibling, I convinced myself that being a mom to just one took me out of the running to be a mom blogger. I let myself fall for the idea that I’m less of a mom than those I know who have 2 or more kids. It was ridiculous. It still is. But I let myself believe it for way too long.

In all that time that I was convincing myself that I wasn’t “enough” of a mom to have a mom blog I was busy raising this really awesome person, who like I said is now 13, and recently I decided I was done with not doing this thing that I’ve wanted to do for so long.

So here is it. This is my mom blog.

Obviously it’s brand new and nowhere near what I hope it will eventually become but I wanted a place of my own where I can talk about parenting, being a mom, raising a teenager, or any other family related things that might pop up in my mind as time goes on.

Hopefully if you’re reading this, you will join me as I start on this new blogging adventure.