(Or girl. We really don’t know yet…)
I have written a little bit about my experience with secondary infertility. Well, to be totally honest I’ve written a lot about it, but I’ve only actually shared a fairly small amount. Some of it has often felt too personal to share (even though I definitely believe in talking more openly about this topic so we can all do what we can to help remove the stigma,) and a lot of what I’ve written personally is still in a state that just doesn’t feel finished enough to publish anywhere.
But it’s no secret that I’ve struggled to conceive for a very long time. The short & simple version is that I unexpectedly got pregnant when I was 23 and went on to have my daughter in 2007. I never imagined that I’d have issues getting pregnant again (I barely even understood that infertility was an actual thing at that point, as it wasn’t really something I had even heard many people talking about prior to this) and I sort of arrogantly assumed that having more babies would be easy. I was very wrong about that. Painfully, embarrassingly, soul crushingly wrong.
Fast forward over the next nearly 14 years, and month after month of high hopes followed by crushing disappointment. Tracking, and trying various natural fertility boosting methods and just being obsessed with this topic in general. I had basically given up.
Then around Valentines Day this year I started to get a feeling. Something just felt…different. I can’t even recall now what specifically felt different but there was something. So I took a test.
And it was positive.
And over the next few days I took a few more tests, and they all kept coming up positive.
To say I was in disbelief would be an understatement. If I’m being completely honest I still have a hard time believing it’s actually happening, despite the exhaustion and the horrible nausea I experienced through all of the first trimester that should make me feel pretty sure.
It’s a surreal feeling, one that comes with a great deal of complicated emotions and anxiety. Every slight twinge of discomfort makes me panic and I spend more time than I care to admit worrying. It’s also been so long since I’ve gone through this that everything feels new and unfamiliar again. What are the rules of what I can eat or can’t eat? How much weight should I be gaining? And so on and so on.
Adding to all of that is the fact that this pregnancy genuinely is so much different than before because of one huge thing: I’m carrying twins. Yep, when I went for my first ultrasound to confirm how far along I was, the tech pointed out that there were actually two babies in there. Which means that almost everything I might have known to expect based on my previous pregnancy can be tossed straight out the window. Everything from starting to show, to feeling movement is likely to happen a lot sooner with twins than single pregnancies (especially if it’s not your first pregnancy.) I can’t even be confident that I know what to expect when it comes time to deliver, never mind caring for two newborns at once.
If I sound nervous, it’s because I am. But I’m also extremely happy and so thankful for this experience. It’s been a long wait to get to this point, and a part of me honestly thought it would never happen so I’m grateful for it even while being nervous.
I’m going to wrap this up now, as I feel like I have rambled on long enough.
Leave me a comment if you’ve gone through something similar, in any way at all. Maybe you have twins, or also got pregnant after a long stretch of trying. Do you have kids with a very large age gap, or were you raised with one and have some comforting stories to share? I’d love to hear from you. And if you are someone who wants to be a parent but are still waiting for your good news, please know you’re in my thoughts and I’m sending so much positive energy your way in hopes that you will be celebrating very soon! ❤